i don't know!

I feel like i want to or have to write something.But my mind is totally blank.There is so much inside of me that i feel like shouting out but i know i cannot.
I don't know why i'm feeling so weird...maybe i do know but i don't know if that's exactly the reason to the way i feel.
Ok i'm going to stop feeling weird.What's the point anyway?It's your own doing and then you just end up feeling lousy.So i'm going to learn to command my brain to snap out of its sorry state whenever it gets into it(like all the time).So how am i going to learn to do that?Here's how:
1.Brain,stop it!
2.Brain,don't get into this mode.I do NOT like it.
3.Brain,You're not making me feel good.
4.Brain,you're the one who gave me the stupid idea to do whatever it is that made me feel this way,so make it go away.It's your fault.
5.Heart(poor brain,taking all the blame),your'e no better than brain.
6.Heart,you think too much(the brain is helping).
7.Heart,right now it's totally your fault.
8.Heart,just pump blood,ok.Don't do anything else.
9.Heart,stop it with all the mushy feelings.
10.Hands,stop typing,your'e not making any sense.

You know what,i'm actually feeling totally ok now.I'm must be a genius and i did'nt even know!!My brain doesn't help me at times.

Random things about me

Here are some random things about me that you may or may not know:

1.I have a really bad phobia for birds.Any bird.
2.I used to believe i was from the sun(this was when i was really young though.I used to get these deja vu moments when i saw the sun,sarbath(this orange drink) and jelebi(an orange sweet)).
3.I was once called by the principal for kicking a guy.He told his parents and they came to school to complain.(the stupid guy did not tell his part of the story which was tickling my legs for which he got kicked.So i told the principal this infront of his parents..i guess you can imagine who got yelled at).
4.I hate it when people tickle me.
5.n i dnt realy lyk it wen ppl typ lyk tis.cs it taks 2 mch tym to dcode.
6.My friends and i used to prank call people a LOT when we were in school.And we used to prank e-mail and chat with people pretending to be others.
7.When i first heard about euthanasia,i thought it was about the youth in asia.
8.I still remember the name and user id of the first person i ever "chatted" with online(it was using aol messanger under anju's screen name,i was 11 or 12).
9.I have a tendency to be attracted to men who's sexual orientation is favored towards other men.
10.I once saw something else and thought they were balloons.And i was not too discreet about it(I was only 10!).
11.I changed my name for a bried period of time when i was in 7th or 8th standard.
12.I used to be obssessed with barbies..i still quite like them.
13.I wanted to be a fashion designer when i was in 12th standard(most of my math notes then had many of my drawings of clothes!).
14.Before i joined college,i had practised the speech i would give when i got my best outstanding/university first/best extracurricular activities/best overall student award(I got none of the above).
15.I used to have a HUGE crush on salman khan when i was younger.
16.My first crush was jonathan knight(i bet i didnt even know what a crush was then but i thought he was very good looking).
17.After watching the movie stigmata,i imagined that happening to me and thought it was quite cool.
18.I played the evil queen who wanted John the baptist's head when i was in kindergarten(I still don't know how they could make someone with such an innocent face to play such a role).
19.I used to have lots of pen pals from all over the world during the years 1996-2001.I still have all their letters.
20.I started writing a book when i was 13...I wrote 2 chapters.I found it when i was 16 or 17 and almost died of embarrasment!

That's all i can think of now!

something to write about

I was reading the news on yahoo! the other day and i found an article about Sania mizra and Shahar Peer who were going to play together and how some of the muslims and jews actually protested cause its not right for a muslim and jew to play together,it might cause problems,how it has caused problems in the past and blah blah blah.I thought it was ridiculous!Its about tennis!!!NOT about islam,NOT about judaism and not even that much about Sania or Shahar!!It's about the game they're going to play.But then again i guess the press,the reporters,the newspapers need something to talk about,so why not talk about this?OH MY,a muslim and a jew!Playing together!*Shocker*
Now since i started this blog i kind of imagine how reporters or newspaper/magazine writers might feel(i'm not saying i'm even anywhere close to their level) cause sometimes you feel like you just HAVE to write something.Like at times,i look at some of my posts(maybe this one)and think,"why did i write that?".And i realized i wrote just for the sake of writing SOMETHING!It didn't matter at that time if the post was crap..So i guess i'm actually quite a hypocrite for starting off all annoyed with those tabloid people...cause i'm kinda like them..on a much smaller and less scandalous base!And i guess i better stop writing before i throw in more crap!

the rain,the sand and the sea

The rains poured out from the dark sky.It poured,how it poured.The phone rings,it is from my oldest and closest friend asking if we could go to the beach.How long,i wondered since we've been to the beach together.Memories from the past came flooding to my head.Memories when we were children,going to the beach,holding hands,our dads yelling,"dont go too far,come closer", jumping when the waves reached our legs,catching crabs(the sea creature)with our hands,making sand castles and then destroying them,writing our names in the sand and hoping someone from the far heavens could see it....ah,good memories indeed.So we went to the beach in the rain.Beautiful,how marvellous it looked,the rough waters of the indian ocean and the grey clouds crying out.I did not think we would go into the waters but we did(and though i did not have spare clothes).It was just like the old days(but with far too less number of people).We held hands and squealed every time a big wave came.The sea was angry,its currents strong but we were brave.But we were not stupid to go too far.In a sudden adventurous moment,i asked my friend if we could go further in and she said she didnt want to die this way and also she did not have her passport with her(in case we reached sri lanka).And i thought about my life being taken away by the waters(my dad did not know i went to the beach,he would not allow me cos the sea was rough and it was raining) and i said out loud ,"oh no, i cant die now,my dad will kill me".My friend laughed like she was going to die.But its true,if i got drowned in the beach,my dad would see my body and probably beat me saying,"i told you you can't go,this is what you get for being disobidient"(i may exaggerate a bit).

And then we built a sandcastle...well it was in reality more of a sand fortress and my tower was the most beautiful with a viewing place and four windows(my friends would say theirs was the best looking but no,it was mine).The sky then decided to pour out harder than ever and we had to leave.

We then went to my uncles beach house and got dressed(i found some clothes there for me to wear) and then got stuck in the biggest traffic jam this town has probably seen and then we saw this accident and a woman was on the road,possibly hurt but not too hurt.And people got down from their cars and bikes and went towards her to WATCH!They were not helping one bit.If they didnt want to help they could just leave but they all stood around her and stared and this one family came all dressed up for it like they were going for some wedding and once the injured lady left,they left too.But they just came there and stood around.It was was so annoying.

This was how my day went yesterday.I tried writing like some fancy author would but i guess i'm just not cut out for that!

is love soft?

Shalom!

Erev tov!that is good evening to all those who don't understand hebrew...heheh...yeah yeah i know im showing off!Anyways,i'm back from Israel and i'm so in love with it.Most people who know me probably know how much i've been wanting to go and finally God paved the way for me and though it was not like how i thought it would be,it was still amazing.I had a great time and i recommend going to Israel to anyone!We saw so many places i had to keep a diary and write in whatever we did that day or else i'm sure i wouldn't remember!And i have to mention this...the people there are really good looking!

So,back to my title,"is love soft?".My sister got this new toilet paper and its called something(i forgot) and it says "Soft like love" and since most of you know that I haven't really been in love(sans Steve gately) i would honestly like to know,"is love soft?"

dancing cow

This is a video i took of the cow on anju's table.Its dancing!!But at times it looks like its having the fits or some sort of demon possession!

I have a lot of free time on my hands now and i dont feel like doing anything useful!!

either gay or married

I have to write this!i do not want anyone asking me anything but i have to say what's on my mind!!

Why is it that anyone i really like is ,well ,unavailable?Take my first love,Stephen gately..ok so he's a celebrity and all but i was young and i really really liked him.And i was quite stupid then(i was young remember) and thought one day he would come for me.I also had this another stupid crush on someone in school(i forgot who it was!) but then found out he liked someone else and i was not upset cos i knew i have Steve and he would come for me(i think i read too many corny love stories back then).But Steve had to have gone and spoilt it all by coming out!"I'm gay and in love"....ahhhhh!!!How those words hurt me then.It was june 16 1999 when he came out but i knew only on june 17 1999(rashmi's birthday).I think i cried for like 3 days and i tore up some of his posters.I was a little crazy then.Then i went to another extreme and started liking Steve's then boyfriend Eloy de jong as well!And i was very happy for them as a couple and was quite upset when they broke up.After a while i just stopped caring for Steve and his gay life!I do like him cos he was after all my first true love and he is after all VERY hot!And for anyone who cares,he's "married" his partner Andy cowles.

Well i never REALLY liked anyone after that but had the random crushes like everyone else..But there was someone i liked.I'm NOT saying who!I don't even know why i liked him but i did.You do not know who he is so please don't ask me.Well i found out today that he's married!!It was quite a shock and im a bit sad.Waaahh! And he didnt even tell me that he's married i found out through someone else. Life can sometime be really mean!

And that saying,"they're either gay or married".....well it is SO true!Trust me on this one!

shattered

Imagine you're planning this picnic or a trip.You've decided the dates.You've got your tickets.You have your perfect outfit for it.And you can't wait.But then you just have one tiny problem...you haven't asked your parents!I know that sounds childish,asking your parents permission and all.But imagine you're still living with them and depend on them.So finally you ask your parents and they say no.Point blank.End of story.
Its a horrible feeling.That's how i feel now.Well i wasn't planning a trip or anything but something similar.
I always thought i'd let my parents choose my every step and it would be the best.And you know what that thought is starting to come back but i feel miserable.
I thought for once i could do something for me,something that i want to but guess that's not what's in store for me.
Parents know best.I've heard that enough times now,i guess i should just go ahead and beleive it.And that way i don't have to think for myself.Easy.
Waaaah!!!
I'm in quite a depressed mood now so excuse my sorry post.

the perfect man (part 2)

Here's part 2 of the not so awaited sequel of the perfect man.

So Nathan leaves town and Steph G goes home.It shouldn't be a problem.It'll be fine.So what we don't live near each other.This is what steph g thought.
And it wasn't really a problem,they spoke to each other,they sent text messages to each other and there always yahoo messanger!
Meanwhile Steph G met another guy who was really nice but Steph G is a one man women so she considered this other guy as nothing more than a friend cause she had Nate and he was her mr.perfect.
So what this other guy lives near by,he's sweet,funny and all..no,it doesn't matter.He was not Nathan.
But then,Nathan stopped calling,he texted her like once in a technicolored moon.Apparantly he was "too busy".
And Steph G made it very clear to the other guy she was not interested so now there was no Nate and no other guy.
Steph G had learn her story.
There was no mr.perfect.He does not exist in the real world.
Steph G has something to say:

"All you ladies listen if you ever have the chance to run into your definition of that perfect man,please be blinded by how fine the man is and miss the chance that you might have or you'll never get to be with any other man".

This is a slight modification of the Destiny's child song "perfect man" which says:

"All you ladies listening if you ever have the chance To run into your definition of that perfect man Don't be blinded by how fine the man is And miss the chance that might be your last Make him understand that he's your perfect man"

Steph G and her friends used to beleive in that song when they were young but now that she lost someone that could have been the one because she was running after the perfect man,she doesn't have anyone now!
So listen up and learn from her!

college over!

I cannot believe this day would come so soon!Ever since we joined college me and my friends used to talk about how we couldnt wait to leave and now that we've left i can't beleive how hard it is to say goodbye.

On may 11th our final year final semester exams got over and it didn't really sink in at first but then my all my friends except Nive,Muneera and Narkis came to stay over and i actually stayed awake and it was so sad...we might never see each other again!Then the next day we stayed over in Nive's and i left that night but heard there were a LOT of tears the next morning.And i was in church that morning and we were singing and i was thinking about all of us and i started crying..if people saw me they probably thought i was so into worship that i'm crying!

...as we go on,we remember all the times we had together...and as our lives changes...we will still be friends forever... amen!

I'm going to really miss you guys!

the perfect man(part1)

I just realized something...people are more interested in Steph G than they are about me.It is rather sad.

Anyway Steph G has another story(ooh joy!!)but this is a moral story so im sure all my immoral friends out there(like all of you!)would'nt like it.But sit back,you might learn a thing or two.

Two years ago Steph G's grandmother was really sick and was in the hospital for around two months.It was a really tough time for the entire G family as they didnt know if they would see their mother/grandmother ever again.Steph G being a dutiful granddaughter spent a lot of time in the hospital.There,she met this guy called Nathan whose grandmother was also sick!While waiting in the waiting room,they both started talking(he started) and since they both were going through the same thing,they comforted each other.

Steph G then realised there was no point thinking about Ben De Jong well cause he was fictional after all!

And Nathan seemed perfect in every way!Maybe he was her Ben de jong!so what he was not dutch,so what he did'nt have blue eyes?He was still the perfect guy in every other way!

After sometime,Steph G's grandmother got better and so did Nathan's.And they had to leave the hospital.Sadly,Nathan did not live in the same city as where Steph G lived.But Steph G did not think that would be a problem.

[end of part 1]

goodbye crescent

****This post is boring but its for my memories so one day when i have alzheimers(whats the spelling again?) i can read through this,that is if i remember my user name and password****

I've got exactly 8 days till i finsih college.This is the day i've been waiting for ever since i joined college and i still remember all of us saying oh we cant wait for these 4 years to get over and now that it is,it doesnt seem like such a big deal.I've probably had more bad times than good times in college(exams twice a year is BAD) but now i'm just thinking of all the good times we had and hostel and how i think i actually might miss crescent quite a bit!i'm gonna miss "us" for sure.Half or more than half of us have different "us"es now(the whole marriage and engaged thing).

Joining crescent seems like it just happened and yet it feels like a lifetime.I'll still remember the first time we went to meet shameem banu and i came home crying cos she made hostel look worse than the taliban.The time i came to write the entrance exam with my dad and after i finished the exam and we got ready to leave my dad said,"take a good look at this college cos this is the last time you'll be seeing it". and when i was checking out a bunch of hot guys(where did they gO??cause after i did join i never found them!) my dad said,"they have boys in NI (noorul islam,where everyone including me thought i would join) too!"*cringe*

Well my dad was wrong cos i did join Crescent,well now its B.S.Abdur Rahman Crescent engineering college but crescent sounds better.And i remember day one so well cos i hated it.The only thing that kept me on was hostel cos i loved my friends there!I'm gonna miss you guys so much.But hostel got annoying in the second year with the never ending rules and blah blahs and i left hostel on the day of impulse '05.I'm glad i did.I have good memories of hostel now,dont know if i still would if i continued staying there.

The best semester:1st

The worst semester:3rd and 4th and 8th

8th semester!project!Oh no!that was the most depressing time ever!im so so glad thats over!thank GOD!

There's so much i want to write about hostel and college.I'll do it someday.

Good bye Crescent!

steph G's one true love

As some of may know,Steph G has not exactly been very lucky in love.It could be because of many different reasons..like weird creepy boys from the past,weird clingy girls from the past,someone not meeting all her 101 criteria,phobia of commitment etc etc.But there is one big reason why...Steph G is still waiting for the man of her dreams.And i mean that literally.When Steph G was young(she is still young though) she had dreams of this one guy.The same guy.Recurring dreams.He was perfect.She didnt really get to see what he looked like in her dreams but Steph G was sure he was gorgeous(come on,all dream guys are hot!).Steph knew one thing..his name..and it was Ben de jong.He was dutch.So while Steph G spent ages of her youth dreaming of Ben,she wrote this poem for him:
Hoping and praying we'd be together someday,
Please Ben,please come my way.
These dreams don't seem to stop,do they?
But i know this is real and not a play.
A part of me has a feeling that you
Feel the same way too.
If the Lord above wishes,
Together forever is what it is.
I don't know Ben,i'm confused,
But i know no one is to be accused
For who and what you are is inside my mind,
I wish i could leave my dreams behind.
I'm a little pebble lost at sea
Pick me up,Ben,let me be
With you life goes beyond,
And i think i love you Ben de jong.

if you think this is corny,remember something,Steph was really young when she wrote this.
And if you think you or someone you know could be Ben de jong,get back..i'll let her know.

valentines day blues!

Its V-day tomorrow!And Steph G can't help but think of all the lovers out there planning their special day together.But there's also this nagging thought that screams "WHAT ABOUT ME???"When Steph G was younger she used to celebrate valentines day with her friends,get them cards and all that.And the first time "a boy" gave her a flower,she was so embarrased..she stuffed it into her bag and later tore it and threw it out.Yes,she was a disturbed child who found attention rather over whelming(I bet you all are thinking,"that poor rose!").But she was young then and young girls are quite stupid at times.Things dont change much when they grow up!
Ok,back to tomorrow..Steph G actually has two valentines!Technically that's true cause 2 guys have asked her and she,uh..said yes...to both!But that's only because she's a good person and she cannot bear to hurt someone's feelings.And they're both good guys..but there's the problem of choosing!One of them is a really sweet guy who'll be the perfect boyfriend.The other,a wild guy who knows to have fun.Steph G is torn.She can't make up her mind.And it always ends up with the same question,"WHY ME?"...
p.s :Any suggestion as to whom Steph G should choose?

steph G is not my alter ego

This is to let all of you know that steph G is not me.She is not "an imaginary clone" as someone put it.I'm sure some of you think it's me cause i mentioned she has an older sister but please..there are millions of girls out there who have bigger sisters.I would like to mention however that Steph G is a combination of many many people i know.So that's why i said stories involving her are "quite" fictional.
Before i started blogging about Steph Girl i had so many stories but now i'm quite blank.But dont worry,she's quite a handful so i'll have plenty of stories coming up.Or so i wish.

Evolution of steph G

This is the story of a girl called Steph Girl aka Steph G.She's just a piece of my imagination.Any story or incident involving her is quite fictional.So if you have a feeling of deja vu reading anything about steph G,please,its not about you,its about steph G.
Steph G is a nice girl.She has her own hang ups like everyone else.She can be a bit wacky at times but then again,who is'nt?Steph G has an elder sister who used to be steph g's biggest nightmare when she was growing up.Which bigger sister isn't,yeah?
I'll start the chronicles of steph G in my next blog..!i know you all are an impatient lot but "patience,iago" as steph G would say.

the grass is greener on the other side

project time in college.i always thought "project" in the final semester would be a blast!after all there's only 2 days of college and even that's only half day each.well this is what i THOUGHT!you know being a junior,watching all those final year students leave class you think man,i cant wait for that...now that i am in the final semester,man don't i miss sitting in class doing nothing!I'm doing my project under one of those strict guides who expect you to learn,research and then do it...well who would have thought about all this,yeah?I know this is probably the best way but im such a lazy thing,i prefer the easy way out...you know going to some institute,getting someone to help you through and through and of coarse paying them...:)
Ok i dont want to talk about the project anymore.even thought its going to drain all my happiness,all the life in me and make me a dull grave person..its ok..only 4 more months..and after all,at the end of the day,God is in control!

i'm not ashamed!

This morning i was just thinking how i am usually ashamed to proclaim my faith,my God etc and how most other people have no problem with that.most people of other faiths openly say that only their way is right and the others are wrong.So i was wondering why should i be ashamed to say JESUS is my LORD?when i know thats the truth,why should i feel bad about shouting it aloud?who am i scared of?what people will think about me?So today in church all these thoughts were going thro my head and i'm like i'm going to make a start starting with my blog cos ahem,not many people really read it.And i thought i'll start with a poem i once wrote.I hope it doesnt hurt anyone and if it does,hey,the truth hurts!!Ok,here goes:
I have a dream,a distant vision.
Right now it seems impossible,
Like it could never be seen.
With Your grace,i pray,
Please hear what i have to say.
In my dream,there I stand,
Not alone but in a big band.
Who's in it?I daresay..
My sisters and brothers from ****(bonded) jail!!
With torn veils and bonds free,
We sing,"Jesus, we worship Thee".
Our faces are happy,our burdens light,
We plead,"Jesus,bring us into Thine sight".
Have mercy Lord,don't show us Your wrath,
We're really sorry for choosing the wrong path.
Jesus is forgiving and merciful,
If you ever leave Him,then you'd be a fool.
Christianity is about love,forgiveness and its fun!
Come,let's follow God's only Son!
I see all of us are on our knees
And its quite clear the past has deceased.
I can hear us cry,"Thank You for saving us,
YOU're our God,our Savior,my Jesus.
You died and gave us right to call You mine,
You're mercy and love is forever divine".
Now i come back crashing to reality
knowing my prayers will be answered when Jesus says"it shall be".

i wrote this on 03.august.2005... this is my poem,my thought,my dreams.

and well after service today,Billy yesudian sang a song that said Im not ashamed,i will proclaim Jesus Christ is Lord of my life.It just made so much sense as to what i was thinking about.

i wish!

I was just thinking of things that i could only wish were true:
1.Me in a clothes store,asking a sales girl,"would you by chance have this in a size 2"?
2.Anna university declares they are no longer going to conduct exams and are going to rate the students based on their high school perfomance.
3."oh,i'm sorry dahling but i'm busy tomorrow night,dolce would be very upset if i dont make it to the paris show".
4.I wake up every morning and i don't see the world blurry.
5."Yes,i do love what i'm learning about in college,it's truly my passion in life".
6.Simba is not my dog,he's my baby lion/tiger cub.
7.age/sex/location:Ireland.(it would'nt hurt if stephen G is my neighbour).
8.I hate chocolates/cakes/and everything un healthy...
9.the world is so peaceful,it gets boring.
10.....i cant mention this one here,might hurt a few people...sorry.

my life

The day before my exams got over,i was listening to some music..something i dont normally do while having exams.I was listening to the song "Before the throne of God above"written by Charitie Lees Smith Bancroft in 1863.This is one of my favourite Chrsitian songs.And i was listening to the last stanza and i felt like it reflected my whole life,what's going to happen,what has already been done and my present.It made so much sense,i thought i'll let others know as well!!
This is the entire song:

Before the throne of God aboveI have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in heaven He standsNo tongue can bid me thence depart.
When Satan tempts me to despairAnd tells me of the guilt within,Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died,My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfiedTo look on Him and pardon me.
Behold Him there the risen Lamb,My perfect spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace,
One in Himself I cannot die.---> my future.
My soul is purchased by His blood,--->already paid for.
My life is hid with Christ on high,With Christ my Savior and my God!--->my life,as of now.